GodKnowsWhere

“It all begins where it ends,” says my imaginary friend. I take in what she says. Twirl my hair around my finger chew on it-just a little.

The road had taken interesting turns. And I wasn’t really walking on it, I was the rash driver, who was driving full speed, heading to god knows where. And GodKnowsWhere seemed like a pretty nice place to go. It wasn’t always that I gave up my stick-to-second-gear instincts to be driving full speed, with my head out of the window. Driving slow was planned, so planned, that I became sick of it. And felt I was driving in one big circle.

And now, I see a dead end.

I don’t know if I should step out the car, explore. Don’t know if it’s right to be here. But something within me is still jumping with joy. “So what!” I scream at the Dead End sign.

Truth is, there is no fucking dead end in my mind. Even if I’m craving one. I’m moving, growing older and spending my time, even if I’m just standing in one place. Even if I don’t move, the trees are getting older, their leaves turning from green to brown, the winter turning into summer.

Is this a new beginning? I strap my seat belt on. Look behind me and no one’s there. I look at the passenger seat which has been empty for awhile now. Look at pictures pasted on the dashboard. I move my fingers over his lips and mine in the photograph.
A smile forms on my face.

I place my bag in the passenger seat, put on my fancy shades. Hit the reverse gear. The car backs a bit and jerks to a halt. Pressing firmly on the accelerator, I laugh as I feel the stop sign crumble under my car.
I roll the window down, the wind plays with my hair, the sun is my eye. I like this place passing me by, I like the blur of colours outside. This is where I belong. In motion. This is the beginning from another end.

Pushpanjali Banerji

It takes something more this time. More to simply believe and much more to trust. I know I’ll never be the same again. Just the way an innocent flower grows to discover the sun, the earth and the rain…how it cherishes these elements, but realizes one traumatic day that the wind that sways it from side to side- almost lovingly, can uproot it within a second.
That the earth it grows from cannot protect it.
That the sun can burn it to nothingness and the rainwater can drown it.
It discovers all this, but it doesn’t see the thorns that grow on its own stem or how it is born to attract attention with its beauty- its wonderful velvet petals, silently unfolding, sending an intoxicating scent in the air, just to be suddenly touched- and draw blood.

It takes more to hold a hand. It takes more face the changing colours of life, and not drink to them.

I don’t blame the experiences that have done this to me. I just don’t want to break my shell.

***

Push

One day.

I know she’s all you want
I know she’s all you need
At least that’s what it
Seems to me
From here

She’s in your every dream
She’s in my every scream
That I wake from
Everyday from here

The moments we’ve left behind
The moments deep inside my mind
I think there’s no escape
From here

But there’s just one way to survive
To just close my eyes
Forget your little lies

I want you to love me
For just one day
Like you did in our yesterday’s
I
Want you to love me one day

For you to just
Close your eyes
Forget your own lies
I want you to love me
One day.

Pushpanjali Banerji


October 2006

the music box

Whistling into the winter air, I am still searching. You are so long gone. Lonely roads stretch on and on. I have my heart in my hands, I want to give it away, leave it somewhere by the road where the colours it emits would mingle with sky, maybe the air would soak it in its silver dye.

I can hear snatches of conversation, moments of pain and elation. I can feel your breath next to mine…and then that stormy morning when you walked away. I can see shadows, like sketches lying patiently on the ground.

Will you cross my path again? Will you stand by me and smell the rain? Can I trust you with the secrets of my crazy, yet passionate mind? Will you tell me the colours of the rainbow or of a pain filled time?

I must walk away. It’s getting darker and colder, I can feel my self drift into a world where I don’t want to belong.

I need warmth of open arms, maybe a new dream.

And the man and woman sway slowly, on and on. Within the music box of my heart.

Another Beautiful Song

There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No I never heard them at all
Till there was you

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No I never saw them at all
Till there was you

Then there was music
and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant
meadows of dawn and you

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you

Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant
meadows of dawn and you

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you

Till there was you

- The Beatles
a little girl made my day, sent me this beautiful song!
:P