On my way

Every time I try to join 

I remember why

We were meant to be 

In different worlds

I’m happiest watching you 

like you’re a planet

Rotating along on ur axis

The colours are bright and brilliant

Nice from a distance.

Not everything can be planned

Not everything is right

When the heart gives up

It’s time to take a stand

I can’t be standing here

In your torrential downpour 

I can’t be wishing it was

Something more

The urge to get away is so real

I can’t believe I’d thought I’d healed.

I can’t defend you forever

I can’t always hold your hand

I’m growing older

I want to do what I can

Before my time is up

And it’s time to go

I can’t live with knowing

This is all i’ll ever know

But I wouldn’t want to be there

I need my space

I’ll find it

On my way.

-push

21.08.2020 10:12 pm

The Furry Playlist {8} What about adulthood makes me so frail within but hard on the outside?

 After forever... 

Been missing my little black space on the internet.. 

No idea where all these years have gone. Happy blurs of smiles, moments, things, growing up, growing old, nights and day everything in between..

the easiest seemed to just update this playlist.. amazing how something like blogging on my own blog used to bring me happiness but now - its a tad bit daunting, feel like my writing skills have gone to hell. 

soon, soon.. i'll bit by bit. It's like stumbling out of a cave.. got used to the comforting embrace of lying  in the shadows of what I could do but no longer can.. the rays of light harsh as I stumble out.

What about adulthood makes me so frail within but hard on the outside?

Is it like that with all of us?

Anyway. Getting back to it..

So here goes nothing.

Black Pumas - Colors

Dire Straits- Southbound Again

Daniel Norgren-  Howling Around My Happy Home

John Legend -Who Did That To You? 

KOKOROKO- Abusey Junction

see you soon.

The ‘Married’ Us

He's always reading. Sometimes new, sometimes books he's already read. Knows what to do with technology. Turn and look at him in bed, he has the lamp on and he's scrolling through some chapter on his phone. I fall asleep. Feel a calming hand over my forehead. I smile inside and out. It always helps me sleep and feel all is right with the world. Sometimes I wake after what I feel must have been hours- see him reading - a dim light from his phone lighting up his face softly.
Whenever we speak, any random theory or subject he knows something interesting about it. He will always tell you something that will help you, make you think. I love his aura. There is something higher and positive about it..

He's loving to me, the cat and will tip the delivery boy. Sometimes he'll crack a joke to ease a stressed stranger. He can feel these things. People aren't standing to just provide, "do their job" for him.

The strangest thing.. he will at times say exactly what I'm thinking. He will answer when my question is still unspoken.

I'm not in any trappings of the civilised life. I want to earn, grow - meet my potential mostly. Feel good about growing my brain. Getting sharper. But adventure- the greatest adventure is everyday with him. I'm thrilled to unravel little habits, I'm making memories of conversations, of how the rain leaves the trees greener and how he plays with the cat and sometimes nibbles my ear.


push

The you -call- me -first.

Are u not sleeping.  Are you awake. It's the same question. Different take. It seemed to rhyme there and I'm fine here. Making no sense at all passing the time here. Breaking but not broken, freaking but fine here. Wondering what's taken although I've got what is mine here. Speaking in secrets faking a cigarette.  There is no shame in those wandering thoughts. Okay I'm drifting and the cloud is lifting. Before I start dreaming tell me if we're meeting.  My phone is a good place although we can't have a coffee. We can't have a kiss, we can't have a night.  We can have the pleasure of just saying goodnight.

That night

What if we were not we.  We were there, by the edge of the cold road ..hanging on for dear life.
The cars would pass us by.. the head lights bright and deafening.  The night would never begin till the city fell silent.
We would untangle from our embrace and I would find it hard to breathe. But you would make me.

And  there was a spot. By the side of the flyover we would go underground.  We would change. Transform.  Maybe we were never human.  Or maybe we are and no one else is.
We can float now.  We can creep up through the ground like a new root breaks the ground till the leaves unfurl..
We don't sleep. We fly. Your skin glistens and there is rhythm in everything. . We can see the patterns.. We can read the universe.
The night is ours.

What if. But didn't we just live it? Just a little bit?

Push

The furry playlist

Can be found here :

Follow "push banerji" on sound cloud :)

Lunching alone

Surprising games of hide n seek
Secrets I don't like to keep
But are we there yet
where we can talk of our deepest fears?
So scared always of doing something wrong
That I can only tell you things in riddles and songs.

Why do you pull away
Leave me to think of things
Which night mares are made of
Take off

That ego and look
This is a step we took
Together.

Games I can't play
Secrets I don't like to keep
So come out in the open baby
You ll be surprised
That love is deeper
than that.

Push

Im waving goodbye.
Slowly in my head.

tuning in

Been so long since I found myself alone

Doing nothing not glancing into the phone

Waiting to look within

I’ve forgotten the colours

I used to live in

It was quite a life

Chasing you down

And making you mine

And right now right here alone

I feel undone

And I know

It feels like it rained

On everything

But even the rain cant

Wash those days away

And I know

It feels like the conversations strained

But even the telephone line

Cant’t disconnect the voices

In our head

I don’t want to sit here

Useless waiting to see

Where this road is leading to

I already know

I’m breaking in

Don’t know how to

Fix it but let me

In

And I know

It feels like it rained

On everything

But even the rain cant

Wash those days away

Push

HeartKnowsNothing

Her heart knew nothing. Only time decided.

acrylic on canvas, painted this saturday night, particularly restless about painting something spectacular, but the pressure was too much and this is all i could do. Need to chill out.

Time has passed.

Have I become what I never wanted to be?

Is the me in me fading?

I can’t speak poetry

I can’t dream like I did

Is this growing up?

I hate it.

Why so straight, so sharp, so crisp

So unreal, unnatural

So much hate.

Waiting for the other to strike

Ammunition already ready

I’m so prepared

It’s sad.

The Angry Tweet

 So we never speak of what's going on underneath.
Wrong doesn't fit into the song... So you sing it in your dreams.

-Push

programmed

The futures too big

So I step back

To get the total look

Too many things I could be

Wish I could

Put my head into

A software, sort, delete

And programmed

To succeed.

push

cat where you at

time time time tie-me

I’m laughing

At time

All the time

Just the way it’s

Laughing at me

Let’s play these games

Even those I’ll lose

No matter what you choose

These hands will

Grow old and betray me

These eyes will fail

And I’ll beg you for strength

But you’ll play your games

And I’ll marvel

Like a fool

Watching seasons change.

Text Messages

Midst the sunset, about to go down
I'll be meeting delhi underground
 All that remains colours and lights
How I miss you to bring the city back to life..


I was walking all day with company.
 Nearby she spoke but I couldn't hear or see.
 I know this time is hard for you and me
but I know all will be well
 when you bring the city
back to life for me..

 -push

Lets grow cold together...

fare and square

The walls don’t close in. there are no moments of reflection, of suspicion that life is waiting  like a shadow in the dark with a sword to tear me through and through. There’s also no wondering, no dreaming- that urge to just be a part of something, create something… I’m walking – just straight. All is fare and square, everything out in the open, the problems are bigger than I've dealt with but they're in boxes, the vision clear- but clarity…clarity can be cold and bland. You see as much as what’s in front of you…clarity is limited.

I’m growing silent.

-Push

the furry playlist {7}

band (song name)

neon indian {polish girl}

bonobo {days to come}

quantic {not so blue}

omar {its so...}

chaka khan {aint nobody}

all my loving}{ }{ bracket butterflies.

Spring!

This time I really waited.