speedy flights.

Tonight didn't go as planned
I couldn't take a stand
They drove me up and down
In and about town.

I could hear them kissing
I could hear them do it
In their heads
I could feel their impatience mounting
As they counted the minutes to bed

It didn't make me want someone
It didn't make me sad
It didn't make call someone
It made my time drag

The show wasn't worth it
Mom spoilt it all for me
Coming back on time
Was as important as life could be

Dinner's over
And I had nothing to eat
No left over
I stare in disbelief

The street lights
All lit in a line
The speedy flights
All out of time

-Push

i think everything is inspired by life, every bit of the world is living in some way..This maybe completely irrelevant, but i was wondering about traffic signals today. and i realized they had more power than a human being. Millions of people stop and move according to its wishes. it had its pride, and end of the day its humility- when it turned yellow, with pigeons resting on its head, it seemed to just be doing its job, And, like a saint, it was the source of income for many beggars in the area. Like a human being who likes to help.


guess my writing is too.
Stumbled down the staircase. Maybe. Many times.
This is all the bitterness i have, though.It just comes out on paper, and fades away, as time passes, it disappears.
- Push



https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=3565198311856740270&postID=4508169072480834003

United.

“I wish you could talk!”

She looked white.
Almost dead, all the words unsaid
Echoing in her eyes
I held her close
But she chose
To wriggle away
Never say

I told her
To unfold her
Complicated world
She’s just a girl

I am so tired
Of trying
To awaken her
I will retire
With her dying

Suddenly I opened
Her eyes
Ignoring her will
She stared
Almost glared

“I wish you could talk!”
I screamed out loud
“I wish you could talk!”
Lifting the cloud


“I wish you could talk!”
Lessen the pain
“I wish you could talk!”
Become you again

She opened her mouth to speak
Numbers, words, moments and dates
A slur of thoughts seep
Into the air
And I stare
Never knew it was all in there




She goes on
And on
Her face white
Her words clearer now
Her sentences right

Color came into her eyes
Logic discarding her senseless ties
With old lies
She tries

It’ll get better
I tell her faintly
It’ll get better
And you’ll see

In the water
She appears calmer
As I reach out to touch
My reflection is distorted
But much

To my surprise
Sunrise
Greets me
New day

I know what she’d say
I know the thoughts
In her mind
The times she’s left behind
Don’t know what we’ll find

-push

crazy ride.

“It was cold and still. A full moon adorned the sky. In the dim moonlight- something glittered, light filtered, shimmered.

Out came the train, out of nowhere, for reasons no one knows.

It was beautiful. It had a glistening surface, every bogie a different color, some fluorescent, some purple, some simple, some exquisite, some shabby, some black.

It moved at an astonishing speed.

The man woke up. His hands were still grasping the handle. He stared out the window. It was dark inside. Flashes of light invaded his bogie after every few seconds. He was tired. He could not see the end of the bogie it was too dark. Yet, he could hear voices. People complaining-They said that there was no space to stand, he could hear them push and fight. Yet, he had this huge place to himself. It was always dark. He looked longingly outside again. He wanted to get off the train. The journey was too long.

Suddenly she appeared. Had she lost her way? His mind questioned.

He looked at her and she smiled. He leapt forward took her hand in his.

***

The afternoon was warm and sunny. She looked so beautiful. she made her way past the hall came and sat next to him. She noted that he had ordered her favorite wine. She flashed him an uncomfortable smile.

Twisting her gorgeous hands, almost perfect, so pink and pretty, she sat looking away from him.

He asked her what was wrong. She said she didn’t feel for him anymore. She’s…outgrown him.

The man head began to spin. He said nothing. Something familiar within him reached out and closed him up. He became a stranger to her in nanoseconds. She stared, stunned by the sudden disconnect.

The rhythm was faintly playing in his head.

He was back on the train.

He lay in a corner, watching the flashes of light in the dark.

He found peace in the darkness. And as he willed it be darker, it magically, became darker.

People would lose their way and stumble into his space. He would make conversation and they left when they had to. His mind never retraced the past. He loved the way this train moved fast, so fast, everything was a blur.

***

Snatches of conversation flew to him again. He learnt that there were different people on the train. People who had less and people who had more. People who didn’t care and people who wanted to share. People who’d never dare to let anyone in, people who didn’t know where the journey begins.

***

One day he heard someone crying. It was a pained cry, he heard it the whole night. By morning, it had become a whimper. The man decided he wanted to know who was crying. He made his way out. He was afraid someone would take his home, his bogie away if he left it. But now that he knew its every nook, he decided he’d prove it was his if someone mistook.

He walked into the darkness of something new, and found it was filled with light. He asked how the light came on, they said you had to want it bad enough.

He found the person who was crying. She was stunned to see him. She wanted to know why he came. He said he had come because her crying irritated him and she should shut up.

She burst out laughing and suddenly held him tight.

He asked her to let go and she refused. He felt very confused.

***

The train suddenly split into two.

Smoke and shimmer separated the flying train as it split.

The man found himself lying on the floor; he looked around for the strange girl who had hugged him. She was nowhere to be seen.

He missed her.

He saw that she was staring at him from the window in the train running parallel to his.

He ran towards the window and reached out. She reached out too. They were suddenly holding hands.

He looked up. He saw the most beautiful sunset. He saw the flowers lying alongside. They were pretty. He was certain she’d like them. He asked the driver to hurry. The driver said it was a car not a plane. The man smirked in response, thoughts elsewhere.

***

The man’s bogie was full of air and light as he stared from his bogie out at the girl on the train running alongside. He shouted out what she wanted to hear. Her face was bright with warmth.”

***

The girl was smiling as she finished her story.

Fingers traced the sky as they sat hand in hand staring at the big bright moon.

The girl said “the train is our lives. We’re all on it. People we don’t expect to meet. Time is passing us by. Don’t shut yourself in, look out.”

“But why did the train split?” The man asked.

The girl said: “to show you. That we’re different. We’ll always be. We can’t be one. But we can always be together…”

-Push

flashes

Falling.

The walls have pictures of you and me. I’m tired of walking beside it, its an endless wall. You don’t run to me anymore, with your beautiful smile. I want that summer where the rays of the sun would go through me and into my heart.
The sky turned grey and black. My tears fell into my hands. It felt strange and empty. I wanted to tell you what you were doing to me.


But I could not.


They’re all faces in the crowd. Faces who mean nothing to me. I’ve stopped trying to believe there’s anyone like you, they made me take out all I had only to burn it, in front of my eyes. You would’ve cried if you knew.


All those times we shared, grow sweeter, a shade brighter… as everything I see around me gets darker...


-push

Sugar

Moments unforgettable
The packet of sugar in my bag

Sins not regrettable

So much fun I’ve had

The weather’s perfect

I didn’t search it

I drew in my cup

Smiled at my luck

Not subtle but sweet

In another heartbeat

He was there again

Smiling at the tea stain

The clouds are black and white

Another dreamy flight

Even if nothing’s going right

I’ll find a way that’s right

Unforgettable moments

To pull me through

Dreams that cement

My way to you

-Push
Sept'08

Daydream.

The rain falls all over my face.

Only it’s not the rain, but maybe my eyes are watering. The sun’s too harsh.

It’s right in my eye. I hate it. I love it. I’ll figure it out another time.

Anyway, I was hearing a different song when he came along.

It was the wrong song.

Because I saw him fall, right over the pavement, in the horrid way that attracts a lot of attention, makes a lot of uncaring strangers care enough to notice it, make a note of it, and go about doing what they were.

He picked himself up. I didn’t try and help. Of course I’m an uncaring stranger as well. That’s how he would like me anyway.

But the song was all wrong. And it was too late. I had already painted a beach behind him, his clothes were off and sand was glittering on his skin. He was smiling a brilliant smile. Another bright white light that made my eyes water.

The music was crazy. All the words he said were twisted and jumbled. I was staring at him, shamelessly, in the way that those ugly men in a girl’s worst nightmares do. (Girls in Delhi, I might add.) But he was enjoying it. Did I tell you the song was all wrong?

I should have put my finger on fast forward, changed the song, probably a Megadeth track would’ve put things right, shaken me into reality. All it would’ve taken- a small touch-a gentle push on my ipod- maybe life would’ve played right.

The song was nearing its end. I knew it. I’ve heard it a million times. This was the part- right after the careful voice modulation, the ceaseless guitar solo that’s just beginning to fade.

“You probably done it to a hundred guys!” he was screaming. I covered my ears.

I could see the sun going down behind his face. ‘Wait,’ I thought.

The pavement was bare. I could see a silhouette in the distance. I started to smile.

Megadeth is next.

The Smoked Salmon Mousse Craving!!! I want it!!!

Had this at the Taj in Mumbai.... have been craving it endlessly.......it was beyond anything i've ever had! :( Even nutella can't compare.

:(

i waaaant! :(

The reasons

He comes and he goes

Like the wind that blows

Over my face

Only to erase

The feelings that grip me

The feelings that fool me and trip me

I have learnt to walk away

I have learnt to never say

What’s on my mind

Because you never know

What you can find

On the other side

No reason to confide

No reason to involve

No reason to evolve

Under the stars

Speeding cars

Street lights lit in a line

Trying to define

A definite shape

A system that’s fake

Careless, careless

My little dreams

He floats in again

Like the gentle breeze

He’s lost again

There’s anger and pain

A glaring stain

Left to retain

Test me, test me

Take the best of me

And detest me

On the other side

No reason to trust the god above

No reason to free the dove

No reason to love

Push

twirl

Swirl, twirl

I love the way

You spin

Round my head

I love the way I feel

I love what you reveal

Dance a little closer

Make my heart beat

A little faster

Hear

My laughter

As it echoes

In the air

and

In the music

As we move

Through it

Through

The neon lights

I can still feel your eyes

On me

No one’s with me

No one else can be

-Push

The last letter

I hope you find all that you were looking for, and so much more. I hope you can find happiness within yourself and all around you. Within your eyes is the most beautiful paradise, and when you smile, all that was lost is found.

-Push

"Pipin"...... (1997-2008)

Met this beautiful child when I was shooting my film 'imagine' with my team.
Very lively, bubbly and beautiful personality...taught me a lot about life.

These are a few frames of him from my film..

Keeping Distance

Drifting in and out. Spiraling out of control. Time is rising like a wave over my head, I open my eyes and its washed me away. Never thought i'd see myself sitting here all alone. The three empty chairs stare at me. What did I do to get here... Feel like I disappeared like a photograph lost in time.

Ashes. In my head. Something that's burnt and gone, grey and black. And there comes the wind sweeping with it all I had left...

The phone lines are not clear. I can't hear. Isn't that it? Its not like you didn't call, no not at all.

Maybe i'm looking ahead. Maybe I have nothing to look back on.

A moment

I had just moved on

And the light of day

Made me feel

I’ve forgotten yesterday.

The dark shades of betrayal

Still hide in the shadows

I dare not look at them

They love to follow.

It feels like your hands

Over my skin

Feels like hands

Tearing everything within..

Girly Boy

I wrote this for all the girly boys who are suddenly replacing real men. The ones who take hours to dress, talk like girls, walk like girls, bitch like girls and PMS like girls. And you know what, they don't like boys! They're fun but they're so like girls and not girls, they date girls like a girl would date a guy...

Turning round and round

See who’s watching you

And there’s nobody there

Staring into nowhere

Girly, delicate boy

When you know its no use

Why don’t you just face the abuse

She comes along

Sings her song

Her flowing long hair

She takes you nowhere

She clings to you

Her little body moving

Faster than your mind can think

You know every shade

Of her lipstick

Sticky stick

You got your skinny frame

You’ve got the gift of the gab

Your dreams are lame

You’re constantly stabbed

You argue just like a child

It always takes you awhile

To get to where you’re going

Your face is just like a girl

And your mind is a whirl

Of emotional things

Of summers and springs

Girly, delicate boy

You wrote it all down

Her lines and yours

She thought you were a toy

You woke up everyday

With so much to say

That you could never hear

(incomplete)

Push

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

I can hear you laughing at me. Deep inside those big black eyes, I can see it all.

Ha, ha, ha.

There you go again. Laughing till I go insane with the pain. Noise is what other people become when you’re near me. Every bit of me strained and tensed.

I will fade when you wake in the morning.

I will disappear from your phone, your photographs and your mailing list. I will haunt you. I will come back to you when you least expect it. So many stories you’ll hear in your ears, all day. Till you’re senseless and can’t hear a thing you say.

We laughed a lot that day. I had tried so hard to please you. Did all I could to make you happy. I was broken inside when you laughed at me. The coffee I’d made for us slipped from my hands. I was standing in the middle of shattered glass when your laughter echoed in my ears. I laughed with you, glass beneath my skin.

Such a beautiful memory. Everything we did together, vivid and colorful history.

I can see your head is aching. I can hear you thinking.

You can’t see very well. Was it all a dream? The shy girl in your dreams wasn’t as real as she seemed. Did she fade with every day, or was she a dream in every way. You can smell her scent. She laughed with you, twisting her hands anxiously as she laughed.

You’re crying now. It can’t be. It can’t be. I wasn't a dream by your side. I was real. Living and breathing, Laughing and seething. With every day you sent me further away. And now you'll have to pay.

You can hear them laughing at you. Deep inside those big black eyes, you can see it all.

I see you shiver.

Ha, ha, ha.

I wonder about you

I wonder about you

And time stands still

I wonder about you

Hate fills me still

I wonder about you

And then I wonder why

I wonder about you

And your wandering eye

I’ll probably never see you again

I’ll probably outgrow the pain

And every memory stored

Will fade as I start to get bored

I’m wondering about you

Wondering about you still

I’m dreaming now

Dreaming at will

How much you’ve changed

How much has been re-arranged

Will I catch my reflection in your eyes?

Will I hear another lie?

Look away

I don’t want you to see

Step away

And let me be

Why do I feel

You already know

I wonder about you

Every minute or so

I wonder about you

And time stands still

I wonder about you

Hate fills me still

Push

Did you hold him close?

Felt yourself

Blindfolded and tied

Till you couldn’t move your toes

Did you hold him close?

annoy-nomus comments.

Dear Anonymous friends of mine-

I've disabled you guys. Now don't be waiting for your limbs to fall off,

its just virtually.

Cointreau

Beautiful ads turn me on! Cointreau Poster I recently adapted.

Fading Rainbow

The music u played
Came with the magic
That stayed
Longer than it should
I never thought I would

Incomplete are my words
Scattered thoughts
Run alongside
Every memory that plays
Lost in the haze

I was smiling
As I leaned out of your car window
I was smiling
I knew I had to let this all go
Like the fading rainbow


I looked at you
The curve of that dimpled mouth
And my thoughts began to sway
I could, probably
End it this way


So hollow without u
My body aches
Not that I can't survive
Not that I wouldn't do it twice


To live through the colour
And the pain
All over again

When was it that you
Let me fall

Away from you
On the other side of the wall
Expected to stand tall
I'll take my bag

My moments, my love
My all that wasn't good enough
Watch as my going gets tough

Dreaming in circles

I will for awhile

Be completely mindless

I shall survive
---

I was smiling
As I leaned out of your car window
I was smiling
I knew I had to let this all go


Like my fading rainbow


Like my fading rainbow..

Push

The Final Submission. Pages 7 and 8.

ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITY

Right from day one, our team had a policy of working together as a group for all the products. We divided the roles of each member according to his/her interest areas and capability.

(YEAH, right.)

My group had members having command in various fields and members who had specific interests as well. This made us a strong group since each one of us was sorted out on what each one’s objective were.

EXPERIENCE GAINED

Dear Mr/ Miss Examiner,

Experience, as I’d hate to put it, after reading a few of my classmates’ minds, cannot be put down as under:

“IN PRINT, I learnt….that fonts are pretty…

“IN AUDIO…that there are new softwares…

I cannot believe it! How can you compartmentalize an experience! Sights and sounds packed with truths that are found…everything from the smile on that beautiful superstar “Shivam” of ours till the whole mess of working with people. It’s easier to work alone, I wont lie about that, but its also easier to dream than do. Some challenges are important to face, and I’m happy to say I have faced them. I’m glad things worked out and then they didn’t, and then I thought they wouldn’t, so then they didn’t, and when I figured out a way everything fell in place like nothing happened.

This course has made a professional out of me. I’m not sorry for every penny I’ve spent or every drop of sweat that its taken to get till here. I feel proud when huge ad agencies call and shout- “You wanna join?” I feel happy I’m here. To get it all done. To be sitting here again till 4 in the morning writing this out.

There are still, ofcourse, as any ill planned organisation would face- glitches. Of course there are prints not yet taken, this copy itself that I’m typing now, should probably be spiral binded, and I should be writing down something painfully serious about my experience. Unfortunately, I am painfully serious when it comes to my work. Just not writing about it maybe.

minutes of the meeting

Her voice is as uncomfortable to me as cold wind. Never -ending. I wait. She stops talking. The sudden silence startles me. She takes another sip of her drink. “Yes. So I was saying…” her face begins twisting in animation again, her hair moving with her gestures.

The fantasy still replays in my head. All the uncertainty from within drains me. I feel my hands turn grey; the moments I see in head are frozen in still air. I do want to break away; the purple box and its silver key stare at me still. The voices flood the air. I cover my ears with my hands. I don’t want to hear anymore.

I open the box before it’s too late. Fear makes my hands tremble as I slip the key into the lock and watch as it clicks open. Its lid is heavy though, it takes all of me to lift it open. I look inside and see a pool of water. My reflection is blurred. I climb into the box. Dead butterflies are floating in the water. Their wings stick to my skin. Well, I had warned them the last time around. Don’t follow the scent of my being. Don’t follow me down here. Don’t lie here dead in my tears.

I shut the lid.

I blinked into my present. She was speaking still, ceaselessly. She had not even noticed my absence. She had not sensed that I had disappeared. Didn’t it show on my face, that my mind had closed? I look at the purple box again. Shut. As flowers die around it and the sky cries. It will be sunny soon. I pray the box would open…only this time long enough for the tears to dry.

She’s shaking my hand. Bright red nails. I see she has slipped her card into my hands. She’s talking about movies. No, I wouldn’t like to see a film. No, I didn’t know your cousin went to acting school. No, I don’t like pasta. Thank you for your time. Maybe it was you that made me look within. Maybe it was the utter bullshit and nonsense that you wanted to get into my bed with that made me look inside. I close the file and call my boss. I provide him the minutes of the meeting.

I’m surprised a part of me heard what was being said. I tell him all, I tell him nothing. He asks if I’m alright.

I don’t care for love

I care for the little lace

The little lace in my dress

That’s getting

Crushed in our embrace

-Push

Summertime

The Song in my mind: High Hopes-Pink Floyd

High Hopes-Pink Floyd
(David Gilmour/Polly Samson)

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun

Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut

There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The night of wonder

Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

Forever and ever

it's my atm!

Futility

Futility in my words

Futility in my being

Oh perfect one

Show me a world

I’ve never seen

Futility in my creations

Futility in my sweat

Futility in my emotions

In the tears I’ve wept

Turn away

The way you have

From my pathetic being

Curse me

The way you do

So drown me in that stream

I don’t want to surface

I don’t want to face

I just wanted to be someone

Whom its futility to erase*.

Push

2006

without me

Maybe I can’t see through

All the games

People play

Maybe I’m stupid

Maybe I just didn’t get it

I’m tired of watching my back

Figuring out what I lack

Cut me some slack

Get back on track

Maybe I can’t be

I can’t see

All those spectacular things

That happened without me

Dreaming in circles

Walking into endless

Complicated situations

Reality based on assumptions

Suicidal dreams

A window into clarity

Soundless screams

Put an end to your charity

Pushpanjali Banerji

Bit of sun and melting snow :)

8:37 PM lamborghini.

me: did u read what i wrote?

Anirudh: where?

me: about the snow

:P

Anirudh: yeah i read that.. that was a sweet interpretation.

finding snow outside my window..

poetic..

8:38 PM got up at 5

found a cup of snow

me: at 5?

Anirudh: was writing a couplet.

woke up at 5..

me: continue

8:39 PM Anirudh: found my cup of snow

outside my window..

the air has come alive.

i'm not so good with couplets ..

hehe..

me: hmph.

8:40 PM Anirudh: As i gaze tonight, outside the glass light..

my eyes fall upon a squirrel running on the wall..

catching flakes of snow..

here i go..

8:41 PM me: :)

8:42 PM and suddenly its right

Anirudh: and suddenly its no more night.

me: i've woken up to the day

8:43 PM Anirudh: to the wind i'd love to sway.

8:44 PM me: reach out to the hands of time

Anirudh: and watch as the snow moves the chime

8:45 PM me: its been a long time

since i felt this way

Anirudh: its been a long time

8:46 PM i've been off the sunray

me: i wasnt waiting for the ice to melt , but somehow

8:47 PM Anirudh: somehow the rays melt the ice..

me: and i know i wont be thinking twice

Anirudh: and after ages i felt nice..

8:48 PM that same old squirrel's climbing up now..

me: and looked beyond the love and lies

it movements so quick and how

8:49 PM Anirudh: the snowflakes have given birth to

wings with which today he flies..

8:50 PM me: and strangely has lit up my night

and made my life

worth the fight

:)

Anirudh: rekindled the light..

and now i'm on a diet!

me: :)

Cousin Itt typing a message.

Snapped by an irritating friend of mine (okay not that irritating!) Has a terrible habit of clicking constantly.
:P
heehee.

took this on the way to Jaipur..

Mirror Talk

Sitting at the bottom with you. Feeling like a freak. I need the sun to shine upon your face, I need you to be true. Clouds are what you are. Changing all the time, changing your shape, your colours, and when I reach out there’s nothing there.

Grow up, I’ve been telling you to grow up.

I’m tired of clasping your hand in mine, being there every time. Your lips don’t move, your eyes don’t speak. Days are passing us by. The world is spinning out my time.

Towards the rainbow

The sky looks down on me

The clouds promise me rain

And all over again

That feeling rises inside of me

Day turns to night

And every now and then

I fight

All those lonely moments

And yet-

There's a smile in my eyes

A skip in my step

I find love in his lies

And magic in the bird who flies-

Over my head

Towards the rainbow

I'll get ahead

Kiss every seed I sow.

Standing on my own

All this pride I've never known

Comes from within

Feels like I'll win.

When I close my eyes

Dreams fill my mind

And when I wake

I know I cant be left behind

There's a smile in my eyes

A skip in my step

I find love in his lies

And magic in the bird who flies-

Over my head

Towards the rainbow

I'll get ahead

Kiss every seed I sow.

Pushpanjali Banerji

March, 2008

boredom+photoshop

i, me and the peachy-red nailpaint. (a post for my girls-J's of my life)

i missed you so much, i put all that nailpaint, jappu.
and i did call you to tell you that, didnt i?
i put all that gloss, even though i had no where to go.
I'm wondering how jazz is, her red sweater makes me feel so warm. :P

the liquid shine lip gloss that was the start of the most amazing night ever!!:P
jazz get well soon, i love you, miss you.

photographs and memories

I can stare at your pictures for hours. And I can’t still understand you- the smallest, tiniest thing about you is a mystery. Unfortunately, it’s simply a mystery to me. If you love something, even a thing, you feel its every contour, open it out, explore every inch of it and try to remember every crack- or how the light glides off its surface. To everyone else, it’s just a phone or may be just a car- but to you- that would be something so important- every memory attached to that object would replay every time you think about it.

So I look at you some more. All I have are photographs and memories. I know I’m looking at the picture of a guy, who- like so many guys- is just another guy in reality but I put him up on a cloud in my mind, so high- that he’s looking down at us all while we look up.

It’s like somebody very intelligent once told me. “It’s never a cloud that comes in front of the sun, but a cloud in front of our eye.”

To me, your every look has a meaning. Are you looking into the camera? Having a good time with friends? Were you thinking of me during this time?

Through the blur of tears in my eyes I see..you are wearing the t-shirt I gifted you.

-Push

*****

Sept, 2006

The Open Window

The Open Window

I let my life slip by

Through the open window

The one that didn’t catch my eye

Somewhere inside of me

I knew it was there

But even in my wildest dream

I never thought it would cause me such despair

I hunt for my dreams

Though they are broken

I hunt for words

I should have spoken

I let it all slip by

Through the window that didn’t catch my eye

The one I took for granted

And let my life slip past it.

Pushpanjali Banerji

June, 2000

Another Lonely Blue Day.

Empty chairs.

Lonely Blue Days.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday....Sunday...they're all the same.

I took that picture at an absurd angle. Looks like a marble slab.

Fringe!

:P

GodKnowsWhere

“It all begins where it ends,” says my imaginary friend. I take in what she says. Twirl my hair around my finger chew on it-just a little.

The road had taken interesting turns. And I wasn’t really walking on it, I was the rash driver, who was driving full speed, heading to god knows where. And GodKnowsWhere seemed like a pretty nice place to go. It wasn’t always that I gave up my stick-to-second-gear instincts to be driving full speed, with my head out of the window. Driving slow was planned, so planned, that I became sick of it. And felt I was driving in one big circle.

And now, I see a dead end.

I don’t know if I should step out the car, explore. Don’t know if it’s right to be here. But something within me is still jumping with joy. “So what!” I scream at the Dead End sign.

Truth is, there is no fucking dead end in my mind. Even if I’m craving one. I’m moving, growing older and spending my time, even if I’m just standing in one place. Even if I don’t move, the trees are getting older, their leaves turning from green to brown, the winter turning into summer.

Is this a new beginning? I strap my seat belt on. Look behind me and no one’s there. I look at the passenger seat which has been empty for awhile now. Look at pictures pasted on the dashboard. I move my fingers over his lips and mine in the photograph.
A smile forms on my face.

I place my bag in the passenger seat, put on my fancy shades. Hit the reverse gear. The car backs a bit and jerks to a halt. Pressing firmly on the accelerator, I laugh as I feel the stop sign crumble under my car.
I roll the window down, the wind plays with my hair, the sun is my eye. I like this place passing me by, I like the blur of colours outside. This is where I belong. In motion. This is the beginning from another end.

Pushpanjali Banerji

It takes something more this time. More to simply believe and much more to trust. I know I’ll never be the same again. Just the way an innocent flower grows to discover the sun, the earth and the rain…how it cherishes these elements, but realizes one traumatic day that the wind that sways it from side to side- almost lovingly, can uproot it within a second.
That the earth it grows from cannot protect it.
That the sun can burn it to nothingness and the rainwater can drown it.
It discovers all this, but it doesn’t see the thorns that grow on its own stem or how it is born to attract attention with its beauty- its wonderful velvet petals, silently unfolding, sending an intoxicating scent in the air, just to be suddenly touched- and draw blood.

It takes more to hold a hand. It takes more face the changing colours of life, and not drink to them.

I don’t blame the experiences that have done this to me. I just don’t want to break my shell.

***

Push

One day.

I know she’s all you want
I know she’s all you need
At least that’s what it
Seems to me
From here

She’s in your every dream
She’s in my every scream
That I wake from
Everyday from here

The moments we’ve left behind
The moments deep inside my mind
I think there’s no escape
From here

But there’s just one way to survive
To just close my eyes
Forget your little lies

I want you to love me
For just one day
Like you did in our yesterday’s
I
Want you to love me one day

For you to just
Close your eyes
Forget your own lies
I want you to love me
One day.

Pushpanjali Banerji


October 2006